San Francisco Sex Information

Q: Gay guy here and have a question about numbing cream. It always hurts when I am getting.. er.. laid. I never seem to relax enough. Is there a cream that can ease the pain some? Just for the anus.

A: We actually don’t recommend the use of numbing creams, because they mask the pain that tells you when it’s time to slow down or back off; not being able to feel this pain can lead to injuries like anal tearing.

There are other measures you can take to make anal sex less painful and more enjoyable. Lubricant reduces friction and makes anal penetration easier, so try adding some lube if you’re not already using it–and if you are already using it, try adding some more. Again, don’t use anything that contains any sort of numbing agent, and if you’re using latex condoms for protection, don’t use anything oil-based, because that will break down the latex; there are many water- and silicone-based lubes on the market, and you can experiment a little to find one you like. You also want to be patient and try to take it slow. This can mean simply waiting until you’re turned on and feeling good (perhaps even having an orgasm first), or starting with something small like a finger or anal toy before moving on to anal sex, or both. Finally, it’s important to communicate with your partner, and let him know if you’re feeling discomfort and need him to slow down or stop.

Check out these respected books for more information:
The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Men - Bill Brent
Anal Pleasure and Health - Jack Morin, PhD

Q: Hey, I am an under 18 yr old straight male. I usually do some kind of anal stimulation when I masturbate. For the longest time, I have just stuck one or two (three on rare occasion) tubes of chapstick up my ass. It…well, it feels good enough that I keep doing it! But sometimes the small width, short length and the flat tops of these tubes are not the most desirable. So I would prefer something longer with a rounded top and maybe a bit thicker. The obvious candidate is of course, my finger. While I have done this, it isn’t really better, so I rarely do it.

So I was wondering if you would have any suggestions as to another “tool” a could use for this. Keep in mind, I am underage and thus have no access to adult toys, and do not want to deal with the added difficulty/risks of buying a legit plug or dildo.

So the thing I want is:
Longer than chapstick
Rounded top (not needed, just an added bonus)
And available in my current situation

A: It is difficult not to recommend specially designed anal toys because they are the safest thing to put in your anus. If you use something without a flared base, you run the risk of getting it stuck up there and requiring a trip to the hospital. With that in mind, perhaps you can try some type of fruit or vegetable that is long enough so that some of it hangs outside of your anus, so you do not run the risk of losing it. You also have the option of shaping the fruit/vegetable however you like. You may also be able to get away with using some hair and body product containers like conditioner or lotion bottles.

If you can browse the net in privacy check out jackinworld.com (not a porn site) as they may have tips for anal masturbation for men.

Q: My boyfriend and I have recently started having sex, and our first time we did not use a condom but have every time since. We were both virgins so STDs were not a concern and I had started my birth control (Aviane) 5 days before we had sex. According to websites about my specific type of birth control we did not need to use back up contraceptives (from what I understood). Still I am concerned because it has been 12 days since I began the birth control (also the beginning of my last period), we first had sex the day after my period ended and though it has been almost a week since we last had sex, I am still having slight spotting. The blood is not like typical menstrual blood (it is kind of brownish, like at the end of your period but not as brown) and I have never had a period for this long. I was wondering if this could be a side effect from the birth control, abrasion from sex, or possible implantation bleeding? And how long should the spotting last? Thank you very much for your time.

A: We did some research about taking Aviane, and what we did find about the pill is that there is a certain amount of breakthrough bleeding during the first three months while you taking it. It says that if the bleeding continues or is heavy in any way that you need to contact your doctor. Also, we thought you should know also that you do need back up contraceptives during the first three months also while taking Aviane. It might be good if you used condoms and foam for the next couple months to prevent pregnancy. If you are still concerned please go to the clinic where you got the Aviane or to another clinic or doctor.

Q: When I shave my pubic area I get little red bumps and large ingrown hairs. What can I put on it to make it stop?

A: Thanks for your question. Many people experience red bumps and ingrown hairs after shaving or waxing. Some people, but not all, find that these symptoms lessen over time, as your skin adjusts. You can reduce the occurrence of bumps and ingrown hairs by making sure you replace your razor blades regularly, soak the hair in warm water before shaving, use plenty of shaving cream, and keep the shaved area exfoliated either by using a loofah or other “scrubby” sponge and your normal soap or by using a cleanser or astringent with an exfoliating ingredient, such as salicylic acid (body washes advertised to prevent body acne often fit this description). Keeping the area clean and moisturized with an unscented lotion will also reduce irritation and discomfort.

Q: I’ve heard it is possible to avoid the 1-minute wonder effect (that virgin males are infamous for) by getting a blow job before trying the big event. Is is possible to get another erection so early? I’m worried I will not have it in me for the actual deed.

A: First times can be a lot of pressure and stress. For most men having one orgasm by masturbation or oral sex allows them to keep a second erection for a longer period of time. Most men need 10-15 minutes before getting a second erection. Remember, if you do cum once and would like to get another erection there are many activities you can do for and with your partner while you’re waiting to get hard - like oral sex for them or other stimulation.

We recommend that if you know you’re going to have sex in the evening, plan to have an orgasm in the afternoon. That way you’ll be less sensitive for your sexual date and you won’t have to depend on oral sex before intercourse. It will take some of the pressure off.

Q: My partner had a positive pap smear (for HPV). We are in our late 40s/early 50s. We swing, and we’ve had sex with a lot of people, but we almost always use condoms. Should we tell our other sexual partners? If we do, how far back should we go? What are the risks of transmitting it if we have sex with other people?

A: Condoms can greatly reduce the chance of transmission, but HPV can occur on skin surfaces in the genital regions not covered by a condom. Of the more than 100 types of HPV about 30 are sexually transmitted and only two are linked to cervical cancer.

An estimated 5.5 million new HPV infections occur each year in the US, accounting for about a third of all STD transmission. It’s a very communicable STD.

Recent studies show that about 70% of infected females will clear the infection in 12 months and 90% will clear within 2 years. The incubation period for the virus is 2 to 3 months. Many or most men may carry the virus and never present with symptoms.

With all that said - telling your other sexual partners is a good idea, if for nothing else to make sure the females in the group have their regular pap smears. The cervical cancer associated with HPV is very slow to develop and regular pap smears can lead to successful early intervention. How far back to go? Theoretically in a perfectly safe world, up to two years. Practically, probably less time. One thing we do find is that it’s quite common for men and women who practice swinging or open sexual relationships to go for regular check up or STD testing.

The good news is that there is not as much of a stigma attached to this virus because it’s quite common. It’s quite likely 25 million or more folks in the US currently have HPV.

Here is a great resource with info on HPV. We use the site’s invormation while we work here at SFSI.

Q: I feel insecure because my shorter boyfriend likes to look at “young,” “teen,” and “petite” porn. As a 5′10″ woman in her 30s, these are fantasies I can obviously not satisfy. Do I have reason to worry? If not, what do you suggest I do to overcome this insecurity?

A: Many people enjoy watching porn that involves sex that they are not necessarily interested in, and porn definitely falls within the fantasy realm. Some straight men will even watch gay porn even though they do not want that type of sex for themselves. You do not have reason to worry, because since your boyfriend is with you, then you are the type of woman that he is attracted to and wants to have sex with.

We would suggest checking out porn selections for yourself and exploring the different kinds of porn available that glorify women that are similar to yourself. This could help you with any insecurities because you will see tall women/ women in their 30s in sexy situations, etc. If you bring home a porn selection that you want to watch with your boyfriend, he will probably be happy to join you.

Here are a couple links to give you some ideas:

Violet Blue’s Smart Porn

The Goodvibes video selection

Q: I am considering trying escort/sex work, and I’m not sure where to start. A good friend of mine is doing a great job of working for herself through online ad sites, while maintaining safety and sex-positivity. I’m not sure if I should gain experience through an agency first, or if any safer, sex-positive ones even exist. Please help.

A: Thanks for your question! A good way to start is simply by getting involved with some online sex work communities. These communities will allow you to get more of a “feel” for the industry, and may even help you decide whether the online ad website or agency route is right for you. There are obvious advantages to both ways (online = autonomy, keeping everything you earn; agency= safety in numbers, instant community), but the choice will ultimately depend upon what is right for your
personal needs.

We don’t know offhand of any sex-positive agencies, but other sex workers (who can be found in the forums) will likely be able to. We think you’ll find that many of these groups are definitely feminist and sex-positive:

Sex Workers Outreach Project - sex worker community, blogs, news, etc.

Prostitutes’ Education Network. - Scroll all the way down. There are TONS of links by sex workers, for and about the industry.

MyPinkbook.com - A lengthy forum with resources and tips.

Hopefully this is helpful!

Q: I like to watch porn. Not most of it (I’m pretty picky) and not obsessively. As you can see I feel the need to defend my porn watching even to you! I do get decent doses of smut and I’m happy with that. My question is, does consistent porn consumption lead to the need for progressively more hardcore/shocking stuff? I’m pretty sure I’ve heard this theory supported in main stream media and my first instinct is to be skeptical, but you know, I have no data either way so I’m not really sure. What prompted this was my visit to Kink.com’s new site PublicDisgrace.com. I liked what I saw, but then my nervous worrier side took over and made me wonder whether this wasn’t a bad sign for how my porn habits might be trending.

A: There is no proof of an increase need for shock or hardcore porn with continued viewing. It is true that some people enjoy a new angle or theme to their porn over time. However, many people keep watching the same basic stuff over and over and never look for something different. It really is a matter of personal preference. We can’t say if you are in a trend. You may have finally found your ideal porn and be happy watching the PublicDisgrace.com stuff as it comes out. Only you can know for sure.

What does your worrier side worry about, specifically? That you have a porn addiction? That you will have a desire to act out fantasies in real life? If you feel that it is actually becoming a problem for you we suggest seeing a sex therapist. Please email us for references or if you have more questions about this topic. But if your concern is that porn viewing is a “slippery-slope” towards hardcore kink you can stop worrying.

Q: I visited your website and found it useful for me. I am male and want to know the answers of the following questions:

1. My girlfriend was very hot in the beginning but now her desire for sex is almost finished. A year ago when I sucked her nipple she moaned and lift her legs and became so hot, but now she does not like nipple sucking or pussy licking. How I can improve the situation?

2. She had a “traditional smell” in her vagina in the beginning when we met but now her vagina is without any kind of smell. Can she get back that smell?

A: It sounds as though your girlfriend is experiencing a low point in her libido, or sexual excitability. This could explain the change in her vaginal odor as well. There are many possible reasons for a lack of sexual arousal:

For example, she may have a medical condition, so she might definitely want to consider ruling this out with a visit to her medical doctor.

Or she may be experiencing some sort of psychological condition affecting her libido. A licensed psychotherapist who has developed a scope of practice which includes sexual issues would be a good person to consult. Depression can greatly reduce a person’s interest in sex. Feeling stressed out could also be a cause.

One common common reason for a lack of interest in sex is that she has become a bit bored. You might want to ask her about this - for example, if there is anything in particular that she desires now in your sex play to spice things up? Many people find that by changing positions, including more or less talking or vocalization during sex, trying out role playing, costumes, or other fantasies they are able to rekindle their passions.

It’s quite normal for couples to go through a “honeymoon period” of six months to two years where the sex is hot, and then sex often declines in frequency and intensity as the relationship begins to settle into a more comfortable long-term pattern.